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A Stars! History/Lore/Trivia Challenge

Sun, 01 February 2009 00:52

ArtL

Crewman 3rd Class

Messages: 5
Registered: February 2009

Here is a challenge for those who have been around for a while and are well verse in all things Stars!. This "year" marks an anniversary of sorts. As a fan of mind games, I thought I would throw out the clue below and see if anyone can figure out what I mean (without using Google). If not, hopefully, the text is at least slightly amusing . . ..

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February 4, 3600
Maid Superior Einsthol,

As per your instructions, I have begun to compile a history for our holy texts and other records removing all that might be considered confidential or especially sensitive. I do not understand why such a text must be prepared for the non-followers; however, it is not my place to question the white wisdom of your highness. Of course I am sure that you have excellent reasons that I would agree with if I knew all of the circumstances surrounding your request.

Attached below, you will find the beginning of my efforts. I have taking the time to also translate the text as you did request it for those outside the order. Highness, what should I include of the recent reappearance of the Mighty Ones? I am sure that your request is linked to their return after centuries of absence. Shall I comment on this glorious event at the end of my report or will you supply that information yourself?

Acolyte Sejery Brown

"The Collapse" (Book of Space Cow, Chapter III, verses 4-29)

And on fifth day of the seventh month five thousand twenty-two years after the Great Grazing (AGG) a young calf was quite naughty and sent out of the field by those that begot him. The young calf had not but struck his hoof upon the grass before he set forth in the Cosmic Super Galactic Space Hopper that he hath constructed but the night before (he was very few in years and thus still found the elementary studies of faster than light travel interesting).

The minor Great One came across two warring empires that amused him greatly. In their battles, he found almost as much interest as in Galactic Pac-Cow. He came to know that the trivial empires were the greatest of the lesser races. Greatly amused was he to know that these crawdads and bags of electrical goop, known as the Sznip and the Fermis, were feared by all other insignificants.

The calf called to the peons, "What manner of weapons use thee to slay each other?"

A foolish, yet respectful, Fermis replied, "We use the DMV Delayed Brain Imploder. Its power is unrivalled."

"And thee, crunchy one, what hast thou for arms?" the cow-ling mused.

The Sznip commander replied, "We use the mighty MS Incompatibility Plosion Disruptor to cripple our enemy's ships."

At this the calf roared with laughter. Except in his earliest bedtime stories, never had he heard of such amazingly primitive weapons. The Sznip and Fermis commanders felt great ire, but they knew well of the Great Ones and knew if the cow-ling were upset it would mean the death of many beings.

"Perhaps you would kill each other better if I provide you with the technology needed for proper arms, not these that could be assembled by any new born." Surprise was great that day when the calf spoke thus.

And so the young One presented the Sznip and Fermis with many a wonderful destructive device. The KL-5000T Super Kill, the Ublat Universal Inverter, the Anti-Proton Quasi-Planetary Destructor, the Red Neutrino IRS Tape Blaster, the Pointy Stick, and the MFM Retro-naitiator were all among the arsenal that the calf described; however, greater than all of these, was the Super-Galactic Trans-System Pan-Universal Bubble Burster.

The destruction that day was immense. The young cow had never seen the lesser ones destroy each other with such glee and efficiency. When it was almost finished, the Sznip and Fermis ventured that their new weapons could be used to establish dominance over the Space Cows and thus the two races earned the title of the Most Foolish Beings to Exist. They fired the Super-Galactic Trans-System Pan-Universal Bubble Burster and ...

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[Updated on: Sun, 01 February 2009 19:16]